Diane Weston
Emotional Intelligence: Why Emotions Are Great Tools But Bad Bosses
Diane is an author and PR specialist with a background working at Fortune 500 companies. She is passionate about understanding how we can utilise language and communication techniques in order to become better conversationalists.
Her book, Emotional Intelligence: Why Emotions Are Great Tools But Bad Bosses, offers a contemporary overview of what constitutes emotional intelligence (EQ), explores how emotions work, and suggests practical tips for the reader to try out.
The core of the book is split into four parts:
Learning emotional intelligence
Introduces the author’s four R’s of emotional intelligence: recognition, regulation, reading signals and responding.
Developing emotional intelligence
Introduces a range of techniques for developing the four R’s.
Practising emotional intelligence
Offers examples of how emotional intelligence (EQ) shows up in daily life.
Troubleshooting emotional intelligence
Looks at some of the common roadblocks that come up when people start actively deploying emotional intelligence (EQ).
Here are some of the ideas that stood out for us after we finished reading the book.
Going granular with your emotions
Whilst many of us have a tangible sense of when we’re experiencing strong positive or negative emotions - most of us don’t pay much attention to the smaller, more intricate ones. But being granular with our emotions and trying to avoid big labels is useful on a number of levels. Just the process of naming a disruptive emotion can help to dissipate any negative feelings. This is because choosing words to describe how we feel at any given time helps to engage the cognitive structures of the brain that allows us to think more clearly.
Once we begin to clarify an emotion more specifically we start collecting useful information to work with. For example, instead of limiting ourselves to just acknowledging a broad feeling such as anger, we should drill down further and ask whether it might be irritation, rage, exasperation or something else that is at the root of what’s going on. This in turn can give us more clarity on the emotional trigger behind it. Perhaps the irritation you are feeling was triggered by instinctively checking work emails whilst you're trying to relax in the evening and seeing a problem that needs dealing with tomorrow.
When you start recognising triggers you can start making positive behavioural adjustments to regulate their emotional impact. In this instance, you may find waiting for the morning to check emails - once you’re in ‘work mode’ - makes problems feel like more akin to acceptable challenges as opposed to unwelcome irritations.
Taking your emotional temperature each day
Like with anything, being able to specify what’s happening for you on an emotional level takes practice, which means to become more proficient you need to be doing it on a regular basis. As simple as it sounds, one way to do this is by telling yourself that you are going to start noticing your feelings more often. This switches on the reticular activating system in the brain which helps us pay attention to certain things. If you’ve ever decided to buy a certain model of car, such as a Volkswagen Beetle, and then you suddenly start seeing them everywhere, then you have this neurological process to thank for that!
Another way of doing this exercise is to tie it into something you already do frequently. Perhaps every time you switch the kettle on, you could use the time it takes for the water to boil to check-in with how you’re feeling.
A ‘novel’ way to develop empathy
Our brains have mirror neurons which help us to create a shared experience by mimicking the emotions of another person. They are one of the ways which evolution has helped us to understand and empathise with others.
Still, empathy is hard to master, as we rarely have all the information to know, understand and imagine what another person feels. But one to start developing this skill is to dust off your library card or use up an Audible credit and start reading or listening to stories more; especially novels that are told from a first-person point of view. Why? Because it allows your mind to literally see the world from the character’s eyes.
To get the most out of this method, it’s useful to choose a book where the character narrating is different from you - whether that’s through gender, race, socio-economic status etc.
Keep things in the present during conflict
This one seems simple and straightforward. But something we are all prone to doing - even though we know it rarely helps - is digging up the past during a disagreement rooted in the present. We often used it to deflect from the issue or because we are overwhelmed with a sense of unfairness about how the conversation has played out. But when has this ever led to a satisfying resolution? Exactly!
So next time someone says to you, “Yeah but remember the time you left me standing in the rain because you forgot to come and pick me up” - or whatever it might be - avoid the temptation to search your mind for a bigger failing from the other person. Instead, admit you were at fault and perhaps inconsiderate back then, but you’re trying to be better now. It helps root things back in the present, derails the other person’s expectations of your response and stops destructive emotions from spiralling out of control.
Your thoughts:
Have you read Emotional Intelligence: Why Emotions Are Great Tools But Bad Bosses, already?
Do you think these ideas are useful?
Feel free to leave a comment below.
